Israel, you rascals

In recent years most of humanity has become proudly more tolerant of groups who once seemed to be on the margins of society. But until now it’s still been seen as acceptable to be offensive about one minority, which is the child murdering community.

At last it seems the mood is changing, and finally we’re beginning to hear the child murderers’ point of view.

For example one brave soul, prepared to speak out, is spokesman Uri Drome, who explained on Radio 4 yesterday that although the Israeli government bombed a school that several children died in, the deaths are clearly the fault of the people who live in the areas being bombed.

What a refreshing change from that tired old thinking that always blames murder on the murderer.

Mister Drome, once a spokesman for the Israeli government said the Israelis were “lured into a trap, now Hamas sheds crocodile tears about the dead.”

If only more of us understood bombed schools in this way. We always rush to judge some poor kid in an American town who mows down his classmates, without even pausing to consider the dead kids probably tricked him into it, and now to make it worse their parents are all pretending to cry.

Even more imaginative was Michael Oren, ex-Israeli ambassador In Washington, on Channel 4 News. He explained that Hamas was to blame for all this death, because “They are booby-trapping toasters and fridges in their houses.”

It goes to show you should never make up your mind too quickly. Many of us see pictures of buildings reduced to rubble with a bomb sticking out, and hastily conclude the bomb had something to do with the explosion. But look carefully and it becomes obvious the cause was the silly sods have blown themselves up with an exploding toaster.

I bet if we went back to Hiroshima and checked what happened more thoroughly, we’d discover the blast was nothing to do with an atom bomb, and was caused by a booby-trapped kettle.

I hope consumer programmes in Gaza cover this issue, to warn people of the dangers. The Gaza edition of Watchdog this week should start “We’ve received several complaints from those of you who bought one of these toasters from Hamas, and were surprised when it caused your entire street to explode.”

Benjamin Netanyahu spoke out for child murderers’ civil rights by informing us the Palestinians deliberately arrange the “telegenically dead” to be filmed, to attract sympathy. So it seems Hamas stroll round bomb sites, placing the prettiest corpses on view for film crews, otherwise we’d all think ‘it doesn’t matter that the Israelis killed that kid, he was an ugly little bastard anyway’.

Other spokesman have repeated this line, and maybe soon they’ll take it to the next stage, claiming the Palestinians we see howling with anguish about their dead children have been trained at a special Hamas acting school. Directors yell ‘One more rehearsal everyone, now as soon as we’ve blown up our toaster we want all the cast kneeling and sobbing, give it everything loves, everything, then we’ll go for a take’.

As the bombing continues I expect we’ll hear more reasons why the Palestinians are to blame for being bombed. An Israeli minister will say “These people in Gaza are always complaining that they live in a densely populated area, so we’re trying to help them out by reducing the population as much as we can to give them more space. But they’re STILL not happy. Some people are never satisfied.”

The Israelis insist they give warnings before bombing somewhere, and in general we all forgive someone bombing a school as long as they let you know they’re doing it five minutes in advance. Given how crowded the area is, and the scale of the bombing, any warning might seem fairly useless unless it gives you instructions on how to fly or escape into another dimension like Doctor Who, but at least the intention is there.

Now they’re calling up another 16,000 reservists, but if they don’t think they’re managing to do enough damage already, a better strategy might be to scrap their F16 bombers that clearly aren’t up to the job, and replace them with some booby-trapped toasters as apparently they’re far more effective.

In less enlightened times, those responsible for such murder would be snarled at in the street and their pictures displayed on newspapers under inflammatory headlines. But thankfully we’re growing more liberal, and can only regret that more thought wasn’t given to treating murderers kindly in the past.

Poor Fred West, for example, instead of barely being given a chance to make his case, could have sat in TV studios saying “Of course I regret the deaths of civilians. But you have to understand these people I murdered could be a bloody nuisance. I was lured into killing them, and I’m not even sure I did kill them until I’ve carried out my own investigation. Some of them kill themselves to get sympathy by booby-trapping their ironing boards you know.”

As times change, maybe Netanyahu and his spokesmen will become even more forthright, and organise ‘Child Murderer Pride’ in which child murderers can get together for a procession and carnival, where they can at last feel safe, and no longer feel looked down on, for carrying out their basic human right to bomb a school to bits.

5 Replies to “Israel, you rascals”

  1. Karachi, being more than one-third the population of the whole province, must have its own police force, composed mostly of those settled in Karachi. This could prove to be the most effective measure for the improvement of the law and order situation. A policeman with a local background is likely to be more effective against crime and violence than one with his roots elsewhere in the country.

  2. Have just enjoyed a blether with my jewish chum. She declared her love of the Independent, but an intense dislike for Robert Fisk, due to his appalling anti-semetic sentiments. Oh well, I thought, never mind, and began to wax lyrical about the qualities of Mark Steel. Extraordinarily witty, I said, really handsome, with an uncorruptable moral compass and possessed of an innate kindness. In fact, if I cannot marry him, I shall remain a spinster. There are probably other reasons for that too….but never mind, that’s not up for discussion. The call with my dear chum came to an end… so I decided to check out the object of this evenings affections very own blo9g! To be met with the title “Israel, you rascals”. And yet another cutting, thought provoking, utterly truthful article on the persecution of the Palestinian people. Its also funny, my darling, a perilous style of prose in todays world. Please take care, first the man on the street negotiating his way home from work for dinner or off to help a friend, the child at a bus stop who dares to dream of a better world, of equality and justice or perhaps the latest phone or a pigeon, then some amusing wide boy cartoonists get a 21st century, er , lynching, by some maniacs, who cannot fathom out, nice , good, jolly things. I know this cos otherwise they would be doing them instead. Im worried about you. They are clearly targeting the funny people that cheer us all up. And then the world will fall into a terrible darkness. or is it pretty dark already? I dont know, I took some ecstacy earlier and it made the whole world a place of great optimism, of unity, kindness and love. It also may contribute to my lust for Mr Steel. I’m Scottish for goodness sake Im repressed and unexpressive. The child of lapsed catholics. Ecstacy was invented for us. Probably by Mrs Thatcher.To make us passive and grateful that we don’t have to work down pits anymore and can live a life of relative luxury on the welfare state ,cheered up with he prospect of a cure all pill for the weekend. Well that backfired didn’t it? Straight into the warm embrace of a straight talking philanthropic journo I went. Hypothetically, Nah, I always liked that socialist love machine anyway. Never posted online before. Im of a mindset where you post correspondence to a particular individual in a red box outside. Maybe not such a great idea anyway as the “t” on my keyboard doesn’t work so good. And more importantly I gas some rubbish smattered with unworldly unwiseness … And my pal that disnae like Mr Fisk is probably not too happy with me either. Hehehehe! love and light and laugher to you all and question propaganda, And share. like what your Mams said when you were wee. Its good. x x x x x x

  3. On further exploration of this wonderful individuals blo9g, ( I thought it was an article at a time. Not in a big long caravan of informative items) I I encountered some reviews of some villages in England, with probably about the same ratio of petrified numpties to free thinking kind souls as you get in Scotland. I have never used social media, if I tried to tweet my knackered device would omit the t’s. Im not pissing down anybodys leg. Also, Mark is even more handsome than that jolly wee pinkie nail picture in the paper that fair brightens up my day. What a nice face and a good strong nose. For the scent of a people farm. The stench of bullshit surrounding these places (most places. Its a global problem for those poor human agriculturists. That ghastly smell that amount of febreeze and fairtrade pledges can stifle the aroma of greed and, well, life theft) Forget competing against one another to achieve goals that you did not choose . Share, break bread with your neighbour. No matter what creed, colour, clan or whatever dislikes you think you have, you will be astonished. We are groomed to be suspicious of others and our true heartfelt souls are distanced, quite deliberately by social media, where competition and dafty egotism, bullying and a complete lack of responsibility for ones self are rife on two-faced book. Bugger it.Just turn up at your pals house. completely unexpected .Initially, this will come as a surprise. Cos you should have called. Their new babys been up all night, its lunchtime, they are in dressing gowns and the rest of the sprouts are decorating the hall with condiments from the fridge.; Reassure them this is normal.Help them. Make coffee, jiggle the cranky wee baby, produce varnish to seal the saucy mural in the hall for posterity. Much to Mums utter disgust. Because as much as she knows that “social norms” are oppressive, she has been [programmed to , well, conform. She is desperate to clart her gloriously unique hallway with paint that is only half as smart as she is.It signifies the kind of mother she is. The pristine condition of her home is the ridiculous embodiment of mother hood required by a mindless society. Your impromptu visits, support,your lack of judgement and joy at this micro-anarchic folk is vital. Its fun,people are reconnected, face to face and the children are free to develop into untethered individuals. they have adults around them who give them the confidence to be. The individual IS fundamental to achieving social justice. Human beings should be chums. Life isn’t easy, and its hard to negotiate at the best of times. sod it, bump social media for a whi.le. Feel the wonderful lack of pleasure or pain cos nobodys liked your postit thingummy. weird but good. Weird is good. Now go visit someone. Be brave. You may be surprised, and your unsuspecting host may have been yearning for a bit of craic. They may make you feel like a nuisance, but it may be the first piece of human contact you have both had in quite sometime. *Its good for you both! Like getting into a freezing cold swimming pool, tricky but with the enormous potential for fun. Or hypothermia, granted. But you tried! and don’t stop! your friendship, your own moral code are essential for the progression of a decent society. Question everything! Your reticence and blind acceptance makes the people farm industry easy to control. Your willingness to go into combat with your fellow human chums and trample on them to achieve goals that were never in your psyche., its not fun. Its not nice to reflect on, and without self worth you might as well be a stone. And just sit there being impotent. And look forward to some day a youngster, with hope and passion, picks you up and skims you across a loch to impress his lover. And you notice on your 5 thousand yearly adventure, that what was once a place of extraordinary beauty and serenity, has now become a built up cesspit of industry. Theres factories making more sophisticated arms to protect the priveliged few and to assist them in the theft of other meglomaniacs stuff. Theres also a Macdonalds, which you notice on your latest ricochet across this glorious loch, that was once a place of stories, legends, heroes and heroines an amazing pub and a pesky music festival which was also wonderful You hit the sulphuric surface of the water for the last time and you hear the young lovers fear for the health of their unborn child. Their fears of financial security what with the minus zero contracts at the biochemical grenade factory. and their dreams of emigrating to North Korea. Fecks sake! ITs all so preventable! Reengage with your fellow men, women and children. Rally and campaign for the greater good. Its in all of us.Accept one anothers individuality. Lord knows how dull I would find the world if it was all full of me. Utterly dull and completely non progressive. Others enthusiasm and quirks and unique trains of thought , can seem like a daft notion that popped in your mind cos of the petrol while filling the car up, but it might just be the link in another persons train of thought that could miraculously discover why some humans have to enslave all the others to have enormous wealth. Or how to fix the world food crisis. Or how to invent an engine that runs on seawater. I suspect these issues may be solved by unity. Well, my rant is over for now, but do care and share, like a lot of mums said when you were wee. They were creating a kind and loving environment within a space they could control. Expand on it!

  4. This is simply brilliant. No one does a better job of pointing out the absurdity of a ridiculous or, in this case, criminal position, than Mark.

    Let’s BOYCOTT ISRAEL, please…forever and a day!

  5. Thanks for this. The rule in political debate now seems to be: “In the event of any criticism or counter-argument, or indeed anything you just don’t want to hear, assume the victim posture and whatever you say and do will be legit.” Years ago an ex-student of mine came back from Palestine and we showed a video on our campus made by the students she’d been teaching there – or tried to. We thought we’d got a surprisingly good turn-out for an obscure Palestinian film, but it turned out more than half the audience were Israeli students, who had come to stop us from showing it because, they said, the video was anti-Semitic. They hadn’t seen it, but the very fact it was made by Palestinians was all the proof they needed for that claim.
    I put it to them that their own assumptions could be seen as prejudiced and one of them said:”why should I listen to you when you want to kill me?” I said I didn’t want to kill her and she replied: “Yes you do – you are a fascist.” One of my colleagues protested that I had been campaigning against fascism since before she was born (which did make me feel a bit old). She replied: “I can see it in the way he sits, the way he moves. He exhibits anti-Semitic body language.” Now if I had been doing Hitler salutes then she would have had a point, but I assure you I was doing no such thing. They promised to shout and chant throughout our showing of the film and urged us to call security to evict them, so they could film this and so make their own film about our repression of their freedom to protest. (It would have made a real joke of a film as our two campus security guys made feeble efforts to remove all these young people.) So we just couldn’t show the Palestinian film.
    Just disagreeing makes you the aggressor, so they can silence Palestinian voices and call it self-defence.
    Going off the point, I thought your show in St George’s Hall the other night was great. It should have ended with a playing of that old Level 42 song ‘Running in the family’, I thought – after the second half that song seemed to have been written specifically to be the theme tune to your performance.

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